I've reviewed and reread and revised some of my most recent work and it's official: I can't write today. Even as I write this blog I'm upset at its quality. But that could just be hubris.
Today has been a full day of flip-flops between bursts of inspiration and hope for my near and distant future brought crashing down by self-indulgent thoughts of apathetic despair. Accented, of course, with arrogant crying fits while prostrated on my bed. Melodramatic, hyperbolic, pompous, jealous, and full of self-retching ego. Oh, did I mention verbose?
I miss advanced English class discussions. I miss big words strung together in an attempt to clarify a metaphor that finds meaning only through its complexity. I miss mental exercise.
I currently work for a call center where I spend four, ten-hour days repeating the same script, several parts verbatim, approximately thirty-five times. While on the phone, I have to take notes on what the caller is saying so I don't accidentally think I'm on the previous call. It's deadening.
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| http://www.flixya.com/photo/2263651/smile-while-talking-with-customer-call-center-girls |
And I think that I have lost my brain.
Words, heavy, multi-syllabic words, keep assaulting me at work. On more than one occasion I have slipped in a "unilaterally" or "unmitigated" into my freestyle portions of the call. I've alienated a lot of my callers by using words they don't care to understand. And I don't blame them.
But I've got to use these words. They roll around in my head that's used to thinking and make me bad at my job. They pop up when I'm trying to express my feelings, making communication all but impossible.
I want to read. I want to write. I want to play videogames. All in my pajamas and all in the same day, if possible. And I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WORK AND REPEAT THE SAME CONVERSATION OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH THE SAME USED-UP WORDs!
And that's why I can't write . . . today.
